If you’re under the age of 50 and you live in the United States, chances are, you don’t know your neighbors. Familiarity and trust of our neighbors have been on a steady decline in recent decades, especially with younger generations.
There are plenty of reasons for this–pandemic isolation, political polarization, the way modern life is structured–but the result is the same: our communities are weak right now.
And many people don’t know how to build them up again.
You’ll hear well-meaning activists advise to “engage with your community” and “build neighborhood ecosystems” and all of this, but that’s not really helpful advice for people who don’t know how.
These are basic skills that many people simply weren’t taught, so today we’re breaking down some EASY ways you can start building relationships with your neighbors. This is Baby’s First Neighborhood Interaction.
Again, no judgment here. It’s okay if you’ve never learned any of this before. It’s never too late to cultivate a new skill, especially one as important as connecting to community.
But first:
Why should you make friends with your neighbors?
There are so many benefits to being friendly with your neighbors. Here are just a few.
1. Community support
The more neighbors you build bonds with, the more formidable you are against any kind of economic downturn. Communities can withstand so much more than an individual or nuclear family on their own.
2. Healthy socializing requires multiple tiers
Many modern young people focus on their immediate connections–parents, siblings, maybe a handful of best friends.
But the beauty of life is found in diversity. Connect with folks on different paths than you, from different backgrounds, of different ages.
We have our tightest tier of people that we’re vulnerable with and rely on–our families, partners, best friends.
But a strong and healthy social network includes looser connections, too. Teammates on a rec sports league, coworkers, book club, classmates, and neighbors.
3. Micro social interactions improve mental health
We know that socializing is good for us in general, but did you know those tiny interactions you have throughout your day are REALLY good for you, too?
Saying hi to a neighbor, sharing a quick joke with a stranger, being familiar with the mail carrier, and other small interactions decrease your cortisol, regulate your nervous system, and give you an overall more optimistic view of life!
So even if you never get close with your neighbors, being on friendly terms with them can have massive benefits.
4. Home security
In my 20s, I lived in the apartment upstairs from an eccentric old man. His name was Scully, and I miss him dearly. At the time, I worked remotely and was BIG on roadtrips. My dog and I would pack up and head out whenever we felt like it.
Soon after moving into that apartment complex, I dipped out and drove to Dallas. On my second day gone, I got a call from my dad–“Your neighbor said you haven’t been home and he’s worried about you. Where’d you go?”
Bro called my DAD because I didn’t come home.
Scully also promptly told me about anyone who came to my door, with a description of the person and timestamps.
If anyone came near my apartment or car, I knew about it within the hour.
That might seem creepy, but I was used to it in my small town, and I knew he meant well. And I’ll tell you, I felt SAFE. I knew Scully had eyes on me, my place, my car–nothing was happening without Scully knowing about it.
When your neighbors know you, they watch your house, grab packages for you while you’re out of town, and have your back when you’re not around.
5. Aging
You might be the younger neighbor now, and that’s a big role! Check in with your elderly neighbors and see if you can help them with physical tasks, giving them rides, or logging into their email.
Elderly neighbors can help in return by keeping an eye on your house, watching your kids, offering wisdom, and so on. Having a community in different life phases is so helpful because we all have different strengths and needs at different ages.
When you ARE the elderly neighbor, you’ll want to have some young’ns around to lift heavy things and help you with your home robots or whatever.
There are so many reasons to connect with your neighbors. Now let’s talk about how to do it.
Easy ways to make friends with neighbors
There’s really no right or wrong way to go about community. But here are some easy tips to get you started.
1. Heighten your visibility
Sit on your front porch. Spend more time in the yard. Jump rope. Go for walks without headphones. This is honestly so easy to do–just get outside.
2. Participate
The next step would be to get involved! Do you ever get invites to block parties? Flyers left in your mailbox? Even yard sales can be a great place to start.
3. Start small
You might not feel comfortable walking right up to someone and starting a convo–a lot of us don’t! It’s okay to work your way up to it.
Instead of avoiding eye contact or rushing from your car to your house and your car to your house, slow down a little. Invite eye contact, smile at people, give a lil wave. After a couple of successful smiles, you can greet them verbally.
If that goes well, add a little comment when you greet them. Comment on the weather, mention a stray dog, ask about something new you saw in their yard.
A great intro to a real conversation can be asking their advice on something. If you see they have a yoga sticker on their car, ask for studio recommendations. If their flowers are gorgeous, ask about how they fertilize. If they have a well-behaved dog, ask for tips or where they got it trained. People love to give advice, and you might learn something new!
4. Look for ways to share and help
In my experience, it doesn’t take a lot of effort to get people to want to help you out. When I have a chicken egg overflow, I’ll reach out to a neighbor to see if they’d like a free carton. I rotate through them, probably giving away one each week.
This simple act opened the floodgates. People really just want permission to share. After I give someone one (1) carton of fresh eggs, I’ve gotten plants, seeds, tool loans, help and advice, treats for my chickens… People love to engage and love to help–it makes us feel good and connected!
5. Ask for help
Like I said, most people love to help. There’s this fascinating psychological effect when you do a favor for someone. Our brains want to justify our actions. So logic dictates that if we’ve done a favor for someone, we must like them.
Try giving someone the opportunity to help you out in some small way, then their brain will decide that, since they did something for you, it must be because they like you!
Another bonus is that once they’ve done something for you, they feel more comfortable reaching out for support when they need it.
6. Learn names and use them
When you learn someone’s name, WRITE IT DOWN! Then greet them with it next time you see them. It’s easy and effective.
I have a document for each of my friends where I keep notes of their important dates, favorite things, dislikes, allergies, background info, gift ideas. It’s a simple way to care for people.
I have another document for neighbors. It’s just one document, since there’s less to know about casual acquaintances. I’ll note their names, descriptions (so I can remember who’s who), where they live, their kids and pets, and key info they mention. For example, if a neighbor is trying to get into a new hobby or looking for a service of some kind, I can jot that down and tell them about any leads I find for them.
7. Pets and kids are cheat codes
If you have a pet or a child, you have a built-in reason to be outside AND an easy conversation starter.
I have a flock of chickens in my yard. It starts a conversation with almost anyone who passes my house, especially because I often have one on my lap or shoulder, or they’re following me around. I also keep a sack of dried mealworms right inside my door, so if a family passes with little kids (or if an adult looks particularly interested), I’ll offer them a handful to feed the chickens.
They love it, the chickens love it, and now I have a new friend.
8. Walk the same route
I’ve made friends with neighbors for several blocks around, because I take a lot of walks. If you keep seeing the same person, you smile for a while, you say “good morning,” you get familiar with each other. Eventually, you’ll find something natural to comment on. The next day, you can ask about that thing again. Then boom, they’re in the group chat and you’ve got another one.
Collect neighbors like Pokemon, is what I’m recommending.
9. Find your third place
A “third place” refers to a space that isn’t work and isn’t home. It’s a third place. It might be a library, a coffee shop, a dog park–somewhere you go frequently to become a “regular”. Start finding familiar faces. Chat with them. Collect your Pokemon.
10. Apps
Nextdoor, Facebook, and other neighborhood apps can be a low-effort way to connect. But be careful about getting trapped online–make the goal to connect outside of it.
Apps are a great way to get conversational topics and learn about local events you can drop in on.
I made my first neighborhood post when some kids came into my yard to harass my chickens. Several neighbors I’d seen around but never spoken to stopped the next time they saw me to chat about it.
Apps can be a good tool to make connections and keep yourself aware of the local goings-on–just be sure you’re not hiding behind it instead of actually meeting people.
What if I get rejected? ☹️
It’s okay if something doesn’t click. Some neighbors don’t want to engage, and that’s perfectly okay. You can gracefully accept rejection and keep it pushing.
You’re not looking for besties here–maybe you will get close and vibe easily with someone, but understand that it isn’t the goal. It’s all about weaving yourself into the fabric of where you live. It’s about the village.
“But I’m an introvert.”
It doesn’t matter! You don’t have to become an extrovert–you really just have to be recognizable. Take up space and become known. Time and familiarity make friends of us all.
Honestly, some of my neighbors gossip heavily and even judge, but when it comes down to it, they’d do anything for each other. Community doesn’t mean you think everyone is super cool. It means we all see and respect each other as people, and we have each other’s backs. That’s all.
So wherever you’re starting from, here’s the truth: It’s all about trying.
Your first step.
This is a practice, not a project. Work on being open to connection, putting yourself out there, and accepting people as they are. This is the long game, friends.
It’s less about how you choose to reach out and connect with your community, and more that you actually do it. If you want to have a village, you’ve got to be a villager. Just show up.
What’s a small way you can reach out this week? Wave at someone. Learn a name. Leave the headphones at home on your next walk. You’ve got this!
Up next: How To Host A Crappy Dinner Party
