How do you tell your bossy mom you got rid of her gifts?

How do you tell your bossy mom you got rid of her gifts without feeling guilt? This is a classic question a lot of my clients have. My answer comes in five parts.

1. Don’t try to control what someone else will feel.

First off, you need to know: you are not responsible for protecting your mom from her feelings. If she is upset because you let go of something, it is not your fault.

And if she is upset with you, then there’s something more there than just the gift–maybe she feels insecure, maybe she isn’t fully giving the gift, but expecting some sort of loyalty in return. In these cases, there are probably boundary issues in other areas of your relationship.

Talk to a counselor or read a book on healthy relationships. Look to some outside source that can help you navigate that.

2. Once a gift is given, it has served its purpose.

The point of a gift is to show someone you care. Imagine the exchange happening: they give you the gift, you express appreciation, then it’s yours to do with what you want. The actual purpose of the gift already happened–it was to express love and care.

I never set out to tell someone that I got rid of their gift. If I decide it doesn’t fit my needs or desires, then I will pass it on as discretely as possible.

If they do ask about it, I will be honest.

I do tell them how much I appreciated their thoughtfulness. But I’ll say something like, “I passed it on to a friend that really needed it.”

If it’s a gift for to my kids, I will let them play with it as long as they want, and when they aren’t using it anymore, we’ll pass it on.

3. Express gratitude in various ways.

It may help to have the toy out when Grandma stops by to visit so she sees they are enjoying it, or take a picture with the kids playing with it to send it to her before you get rid of it.

Ultimately, remember that this is your home, and the things in your home need to be there because YOU enjoy and want them.

4. Let go of things kept out of obligation.

It’s destructive to keep things out of obligation. When you walk by an item and have negative feelings about it, the mental and emotional clutter from that is just as impactful as physical clutter.

The process of decluttering involves processing those heavy emotions and letting go of things that don’t bring us joy. This makes it so you can actually relax in your home.

You don’t want to be bombarded with visual clutter OR emotional clutter.

And many times, the emotional clutter goes unnoticed. Try to pay attention to the emotions that come up when you see or touch an item.

This is why Marie Kondo has people hold each item while decluttering.

Now, I know that some people don’t like the emotional side of the KonMarie method–and say “my frying pan doesn’t spark joy.”

And that’s fine--there are many utilitarian things in our homes that we need–coat hooks, can openers, cleaning rags–that we can be completely indifferent to, but we use them regularly. We can foster appreciation for those necessary things, which becomes a type of joy.

What Marie Kondo Won’t Tell You

5. Pay attention to the things that bring up emotion.

That picture your aunt gave you of the family–but your eyes are closed and your posture is atrocious–was a kind gesture, but it makes you flinch every time you look at it.

That angel statue from a co-worker that goes with none of your decor.

The candle from your student that delighted you to receive, but you have asthma and never burn candles.

Whatever those items might be, if you find yourself thinking that it’s not your favorite, you wouldn’t have chosen that color, you wonder if they’d be offended if you got rid of it–Take note!

Work through whatever you need to until you can come to the point of letting things go and understanding that there is nothing to feel guilty about.

You can actually improve your relationships by letting these things go, because that removes negative emotions aimed at the person that doesn’t even deserve it. Don’t let your lack of effective boundaries and decision-making influence how you feel about another person.

The Clutter-Depression-Anxiety Cycle